Worth a Look: 3 Phrases That Will Instantly Calm Angry or Emotional People
Most of us in policing learn rather quickly that de-escalation is always preferred over escalation when it comes to situations that have the propensity to veer out of control or become violent. In better case scenarios, sometimes we need people to calm down if for nothing else, to get information we need from them.
Sometimes we have to deal with each other in tragic and chaotic situations that have driven emotions to an overload. These are the bad days, the real bad days, on the job.
Jessica Stillman of Inc. lists three tips by clinical psychologist Dr. Albert J. Bernstein for bringing out of control conversations back into control that she found on the blog Barking Up the Wrong Tree.
Read these here:
Are these a sure thing every time? Not likely. But I know I have used them through the years and usually found them to be helpful.
What has worked for you?
© 2015 DAVID A. LYONS
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Paul Ove Haukebø
Captain at West Air
Not far off at all.
During my years as custody officer I sometimes started saying:”I can see you`ve had a troublesome couple off hours now let us see if we can straighten this mess out in the next ones.” Did the trick several times and got the inmate/remand down to earth. Helps when talking to pax too
Ashley Heiberger
Professional Standards Captain at Bethlehem Police Department
As a patrol cop, I’d often tell agitated people they had to speak more slowly because I wasn’t smart enough to understand them when they talked too fast. For some reason, the vast majority believed me…
Laurence Howland
Senior Investigation Officer at HM Revenue & Customs
Interesting, I like the first one. The phrase we were taught – when all else fails – was “Is there anything I can do or say that will get you to comply?” Both eminently reasonable and a sufficiently obvious “last chance” to be reasonable before things get out of hand. The converse, of course, is those things you should never say if you don’t want it to kick off. My favorite was always “There’s an easy way or a hard way to do this, which do you want?” God preserve me from the officers who use that one… Any other good ones out there?
Dick Pfluger
Physical & Industrial Security Specialist at FBI/Retired
I see that Verbal Judo is making the rounds again. After numerous mandatory classes, I found that none of the people I came in contact with on the street had attended any of these classes nor appreciated that I had. As a result, all my new found sympathetic phrases and comfort words were lost on them and we were back to talking bad about our mamas.
When I was a School Resource Officer I learned to use a simple verbal technique for de-escalating the angry parent coming to school. Typically the parent was summoned by a school administrator because the child was about to be suspended. Upon first meeting the parent, I would introduce myself and then say “I’m interested in the success of your child”. This simple statement really worked. Later on I promoted to become the SRO Commander, I taught all of the SROs this technique and all that used it reported that it worked very well for them also.
Amazing how just a few words that are well placed can set a tone!
Robert J Louden
Professor, Criminal Justice& Homeland Security, Georgian Court University
David, Your suggestions can work wonders; I was a hostage negotiator for @ 14 years. But, I quibble, the title of your posting “3 phrases that will instantly calm angry or emotional people” is not in synch with an early statement in the posting is “Are these a sure thing every time? Not likely.”
Kathleen Swanson
Queen of the Universe
“Your children are watching.” also seems to have an effect as long as it’s true.
David Lyons, MBA
Kathleen, I used that just a few years ago and it worked. I had asked a suspect’s spouse to herd the kids to the backyard before serving a warrant on her husband. She did, he yelled and they came running. He backed off when I explained what and why I tried to do for him and the kids by sending them away, and pointed out that now they saw him. He chilled quickly.
Dave Telford
Undergraduate Psychology Student (The Open University)
I had to make myself seem less intimidating sometimes. At 6’3″ tall and over 280lbs I used to get pretty instant compliance when I turned up. It used to be called a commanding presence, which is what all cops should have. It’s not about size, it’s about presence. That deterred a lot of things. The other thing that worked for me was telling people that I could not hear them so could they speak a bit more slowly. It was true that I did have trouble hearing with a lot of noise going on. Angry people used to respond to that. Lastly, when they were shouting that they wanted to speak to the boss so everyone was going to get fired, I said that I was the boss and in charge even if there was a more senior person present. Surprisingly, some of the bosses were happy for me to take responsibility (potential blame) for a situation. Anyway, I got through 29 years without my nose being broken so that was a bonus. Stay safe out there.
David Lyons, MBA
Dave, as I am about a good foot shorter to you, I knew before I ever hit the road that my ability to communicate was the best defense tool I carried.
James Barth
Crime Prevention Practioner / State of Florida . Law Enforcement Professional
David, great article, I’ve used phrases like this or similar to deal with EDP’s and it works with folks that aren’t EDP’s. Of course there will always be those people that no matter what you say or do helps the situation. But it certainly works more times than not.
David Lyons, MBA
I have found the same; I also have to say that LE as a whole has come a long way when it comes to working with EDPs, and that is a good thing.
Fred Perez
Chief Inspector at DeSoto County Sheriff’s Department
I agree, using a short compassion phrase goes a long way. I have that compassion phrases are very well received and it helps produce positive results more times than not. Wish we could convince our young officers that it’s a good tool.
James Davenport
32 year Advance Certified, decorated police/motorcycle officer, detective, cpl., sgt., lecturer, former U.S.M.C. sgt.
Essentially, these are the same phrases taught to diffuse domestics and what we learned as C.I.T. Officers.
Ben Ament
Senior of Criminal Justice Law Enforcement at Mercyhurst University
I may only be a student (though I just took the written test for PA State Trooper) but it seems rather obvious how impprtant it would be to diffuse a situation or just calm someone down. so some of us looking to get into the field are indeed taking note! However I can only speak for myself.
Erik Voss
Detective-Sergeant at Town of Delavan Police Department
I’ve always found that just being quiet and listening does wonders. People ranting generally expect an argument and when they don’t get the confrontation, they tire out. Of course, it doesn’t always work and there are times when you have to tell them to just shut their cake hole…
Paul Thomas
retired at met.police fficer
i found that firstly if they were shouting i would speak quietly, generally that wuld bring them down, then say right can i help they would not expect this, then the ball is in your court
Harry “Hammer” Wigder
DIRECTOR AND INSTRUCTOR TRAINER at ACTION FIGHTING ARTS, LLC & Professional Blogger
Thanks for such a well-written post. Makes a lot of sense. Even though I am a Verbal Judo and De-escalation instructor, I need to learn so much more about calming out of control – and, out of their minds – people.
Hammer